Laura’s making dinner, I pop in and say, “Is there anything I can do?” She looks at me and I can see the gears turning, so I add, “to help with dinner. I know there’s lots of things I could do, like, say, be a better person.”

“No,” she replies warmly, “you couldn’t be a better person.”

Silence.

“I’ll take that as a compliment while it’s still ambiguous.

Why is it that all people, regardless of background, education, criminal past, or expertise, are sworn to tell the truth or risk the penalty for perjury in a court of law, but we haven’t applied that to political debates?

“When people cry I feel like they are just making a last ditch attempt to win the argument. It’s so manipulative.”

“Don’t you have kids Mike? When they are sad do you think they are manipulating you?”

“Well they are younger, so I have more….what’s the word…not leniency, but something like that….”

The word you’re looking for is compassion, Mike, and the reason you’re having trouble finding it is because it’s not in your vocabulary.”

I got frustrated with my son, he wouldn’t stop the incessant tapping and I lost it. I yelled, “If you don’t stop that tapping I swear to god…!”

To which he responded with a quote about women’s beards from his recent stint as Touchstone in As You Like It, “you cannot swear by that which does not exist! Or else you swear on nothing.”

Took the wind right out of my sails. In one quick response he displayed a quick wit, defused a potentially tense situation, showed knowledge of literature, and reflected our family’s philosophical values. A proud dad moment for me.

The Gettysburg Address has long been considered a shining example of succinctness and brevity. It’s studied in law schools for its capability to communicate so much, so eloquently, and in only 272 words. And yet, if he were to deliver it today using today’s means of distribution, he’d have to add:

TL;DR Country founded on equality, and falling apart trying to prove it. Too many deaths. Let’s do what we set out to do.

^It would fit in a tweet too.

In Scenes From an Italian Restaurant, Billy Joel mentions “Brenda and Eddie” 8 times, he rhymes with it 5 times, and not once does he rhyme it with Spaghetti. What a missed opportunity!

If you truly believe the old adage that says, “if you want something done right, do it yourself,” then when you you do something for someone else, you really should half-ass it.

Many people wish they were taller. Me? I wish I was shorter. Perhaps then I would have had a bigger Napoleon complex and accomplished more.