I believe it was me who coined the phrase, delusions of grandeur.
This is How You Remind Me
Overheard the following conversation between my kids and their 20 year old cousin while getting ready to power wash and paint their grandfather’s roof. The powerwasher was on the roof and they were trying to get the hose up there:
Jared: I know. We can get a big bucket and you can shoot the water up here and we can catch it.
Carter: You know, sometimes I forget that you’re twelve and then you remind me.
Jared: What? Would that not work?
My Wife: Mike! the kids need some supervision!
The Hole in My House
This is the hole in my house.
I thought a mouse came in this hole I found in my house.
This is the nest I found in the hole I found in my house.
Twas not a mouse, but a stinging yellow pest’s nest I found in the hole I found in my house.
This my flamethrower, a gift from my wife.
This is a wingless yellow jacket, having lost his life,
from the flamethrower I got from my wife.
I hate nature.
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Did Tolkien Influence Top Gun?
“But see here, Master Sandyman, I’ve a score to pay in this village, and don’t you make it any longer with your jeering, or you’ll foot a bill too big for your purse.” -JRR Tolkien, Return of the King, 1955
“Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash.” -Jim Cash and Jack Epps Jr. Top Gun, 1986
Careful What You Wish For
Every once and a while I try to coach my teenager on how to be a human being. My wife thinks that’s funny.
“Hey! Jared bumped my arm!”
“So, sometimes you just have to say excuse me and move,” I said. My wife is stifling a grin while staring at me. She’s talking to me, but in her head. “What?” I ask her. Her grin widens. “Are you disparaging me in your head?”
“I’m surprised that’s in your vocabulary.”
“Disparage?”
“Excuse me.”
Smoke Break
There was a fire downtown and our campus closed the following day while they checked the air quality in the buildings. They announced today that time cards should be marked with an L = Leave With Pay (explain in remarks). Is it wrong that I want people to put “Smoke Break”?
Lord Help Me, I Can’t Change
Free Bird: Just when he’s the most adamant that he can’t change, everything changes. The the tempo changes, the chord progression changes, the rhythm and melody change, and everyone in the band is expected to keep up with the changes.
Bread and Butter
You can tell a lot about a person by watching them at breakfast. If they butter their toast by mashing it into the bread, they might be aggressive. If they cover the entire surface of the bread, they might have OCD, if they watch others buttering their bread and think it means something, they might be unhinged.
Read Between The Slices
I love when this kid calls me, it’s always funny:
Him: Hi dad it’s Jared (my 11 year old), did you happen to take the leftover pizza slices for lunch today?
Me: Yup.
Him: [Silence….] Oohkayyyy […silence…] Were they good?
Lot’s of laughing from both of us recognizing oddness of the moment.
Me: Yeah they were. Sorry. Maybe you can have something else.
Him: Yeah OK, have a good rest of your day.
It Takes One to Know One
“Why does google maps show me slower alternate routes while we are driving?” my wife said.
It’s being defensive,” said my son. “Speaking as a defensive person, it’s assumed it knows you are about to go somewhere it doesn’t want you to go, and gives you reasons why you don’t want to go there, even though you gave no indication of wanting to go that way, and probably never intended to go that way.”