Every once and a while I try to coach my teenager on how to be a human being. My wife thinks that’s funny.

“Hey! Jared bumped my arm!”

“So, sometimes you just have to say excuse me and move,” I said. My wife is stifling a grin while staring at me. She’s talking to me, but in her head. “What?” I ask her. Her grin widens. “Are you disparaging me in your head?”

“I’m surprised that’s in your vocabulary.”

“Disparage?”

“Excuse me.”