Many people wish they were taller. Me? I wish I was shorter. Perhaps then I would have had a bigger Napoleon complex and accomplished more.
My son learned about Alfa Romeos while watching Top Gear. Later that day he saw a small shiny car and said, “Dad. Is that an Alpha Male?” I said, “No son, an alpha male car is a Corvette or Camaro, that right there is a Mini Cooper.”
I always feel like a elite hacker, after spending a few minutes going through all the possibilities of the username/password combination for an account I haven’t used in a while. Anonymous will be recruiting me any minute.
No more leaf splendor.
Commence blowing with my Black and Decker lawn cleanser.
You know how with dogs it really doesn’t matter what words you use, it’s the tone. You can say mean things in a sweet voice or good things in a mean voice etc. Children are not that much different. Turns out threatening to take away a bedroom door is just as effective as taking away video games or TV.
STOMP STOMP STOMP…
“So help me god, if you slam that door, you won’t have one anymore. I’ll take it right off the hinges.” The child stops, but still stands poised to slam the door.
“I’m going to get my tools right now!”
“No dad nooooo!”
So I walk into the Lamborghini dealership in La Jolla, CA and the guy says, “are you interested in purchasing a new Lamborghini?” So I say, “no, I couldn’t possibly afford…a third one.” He doesn’t like that too much and I can tell I’ve worn out my welcome, so I head down the street to the Ferrari dealership. “Do you guys price match with Lamborghini, or is there a Groupon I could take advantage of?
Bottom line is, I’m not allowed back to either place without a bank statement.
“Why did you give him up?” The group leader asked.
“Because I was naked, and they told me to.” She paused, remembering the experience. “After it was gone, I took a whole bottle of lotion and rubbed it all over me.” She paused again, staring somewhere out behind the others. “Besides, who loves anything one hundred percent anyway?”
“I do,” another said without hesitation. The rest nodded. “He did.”
“Why do you and your husband have separate bedrooms?”
“Because he’s too hot!”
“You mean like, you can’t resist him?”
“No, like, being near him is uncomfortable.”
We removed the rail from the younger boys bed. The older boy had some concerns, “How will Jared not fall out of bed?”
“He will learn,” I said.
“Through experience?” The older one asked.
“Through pain!” replied Jared.
“Same thing.” I said. “Same thing”
On the topic of characters and narrator perspective in music, my nine year old suddenly asks, “What character wants sugar poured all over them?” referencing the lyrics to Pour Some Sugar on Me.