They don’t have 14 different words for snow. They have many words describing snow. Kinda like us and wine.
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New Slang
Goombaya: Italians Sing about Peace and Love
Balance Blues
A little ditty I wrote when I had some issues with my head:
Woke up this mornin’
(Da-neh na naught)
Rolled out of bed.
(Da-neh na naught)
Had to crawl on the floor.
(Da-neh na naught)
Somethin’s wrong with my head!
I’ve got the Verrrrtigo. Yeah!
V-E-R-T-I Go!
I’ve got the Verrritigo. Yeah!
Head spinnin’ round, so now y’know.
Careful What You Wish For
Every once and a while I try to coach my teenager on how to be a human being. My wife thinks that’s funny.
“Hey! Jared bumped my arm!”
“So, sometimes you just have to say excuse me and move,” I said. My wife is stifling a grin while staring at me. She’s talking to me, but in her head. “What?” I ask her. Her grin widens. “Are you disparaging me in your head?”
“I’m surprised that’s in your vocabulary.”
“Disparage?”
“Excuse me.”
They Don’t Write Em Like That Anymore
Riding in the car with the kids and The Breakup Song (They’ Don’t Write ‘Em) comes on. The older kids says he can’t understand any of the lines, so I start reciting them :
Now I’m winding up staring at an empty glass
Cause it’s so easy to say that you’ll forget your past.
The younger kids says, “you’ll forget your pants?!”
The older kid says, “No. That’s not what he said. This isn’t a Blink 182 song.”
Cartoon Expert
I occasionally get to work with interesting people at the university. This year an old guy came in looking for training on the course management system. He said he’s a new part-time instructor here to teach a class in cartoons. So of course I told him I love cartoons. He said, “well it’s about all forms, editorial cartoons, animation, comic strips, comic books, graphic novels, etc.” So I started talking about how I’m a fan of all those things, and it turns out for everything I mentioned, he was acquainted with the authors: Bloom County, Calvin and Hobbes, Pearls Before Swine, Loony Tunes (he was friends with Chuck Jones) and so on.
Suddenly I realize I know his name. He’s Pulitzer nominee Bob Englehart, a nationally syndicated editorial cartoonist, and I even have one of his cartoons in my desk. It was one where he used Pac-Man and ghosts as an analogy for CT state schools, Pac-man representing one that would absorb the others. At the time of its release, I commented online with critical feedback for depicting the ghosts in their normal colors, him not realizing that they were more dangerous to Pac-Man in that state, and for the analogy to work, they should have been depicted blue, reflecting their vulnerable state. I admitted to him that said feedback came from me, though only a geek my age would know that. Anyone older than me wasn’t hanging around arcades in the 80s and anyone younger had home games better games on home systems. It’s a very small section of the population who’d even notice. He says, “well where were you when that went though editing?”
So we have a laugh and start talking details about Looney Tunes. At one point he opens up his book and asks how to spell my name. After it, he scribbles “cartoon expert” and says, “I might have to have you come speak to my class.”
And Give Us Each Day Our Daily Bread
I had to drag my ass out of bed and go to work despite being sick today. On the way out the door my wife said, “Thanks for making money honey!” to which I started to reply, “Thanks for giving me something to spend it on besides…” I has wanted to say sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll but hesitated, given that the children were there. As I searched for some way finish this without garnering a lot of questions, my wife said, “go on?” in that way that makes you think twice before opening your mouth. As I was about spit out the words Fast Living, my son said, “just say bread, dad.”
Laura Palumbo, thanks for giving me something to spend it on besides bread!
I’m the Best…I’ll Ever Be
Laura’s making dinner, I pop in and say, “Is there anything I can do?” She looks at me and I can see the gears turning, so I add, “to help with dinner. I know there’s lots of things I could do, like, say, be a better person.”
“No,” she replies warmly, “you couldn’t be a better person.”
Silence.
“I’ll take that as a compliment while it’s still ambiguous.
I Hereby So Solemnly Swear
Why is it that all people, regardless of background, education, criminal past, or expertise, are sworn to tell the truth or risk the penalty for perjury in a court of law, but we haven’t applied that to political debates?
Crying
“When people cry I feel like they are just making a last ditch attempt to win the argument. It’s so manipulative.”
“Don’t you have kids Mike? When they are sad do you think they are manipulating you?”
“Well they are younger, so I have more….what’s the word…not leniency, but something like that….”
The word you’re looking for is compassion, Mike, and the reason you’re having trouble finding it is because it’s not in your vocabulary.”